Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Monday, January 15, 2018
So what are some alternatives to crawling the streets when your skin starts to crawl?? One of my peers was in a terrible car accident with gory Facebook pictures and was very public about the painkillers and the withdrawal that he went through. His friends in the holistic and coaching community had some wonderful advice that I think some of you could benefit from. Take it along with the rest of the advice that you get from the internet, but I feel that a lot of these folks are speaking from experience and right intentioned advocates of healthy holistic alternatives.
Physical addiction sets in after a week or two, it feels like a cold. Kratom, a natural leaf based remedy, can also be addictive, but users say it mirrors coffee withdrawal, nothing as bad as opiate withdrawal. Kratom has 80% success rate at getting folks off Heroin. Kratom is addictive but the withdrawal is infinitely easier than dope... easily worth it esp. If you still have pain. Insomnia is the worst part (If you have a job it gets rough. Lasts Exactly one week) and runny nose and eyes and some complain of restless leg. My experiments found the important thing was to actually use really really hot water! A full 211 degrees if you can, which will also sterilize these not certified by anyone for anything (but pesticide free anyways, cause they're natural pesticides) leaves. If you brewed it at 180, it may have been that you weren't extracting everything. You also have to stir really well. And you have to brew twice to get everything. 3rd boil has almost nothing left. Maple syrup is my favorite sweetener with it. Also agmatine is the best supplement for reducing tolerance to this and nearly any other addictive substance. Agmatine with or shortly before kratom almost lets you half your dosage. And if one flat teaspoon has you actually feeling good, maybe 2/3 of a teaspoon is enough to be sort of pain free? Just gotta calibrate when you’re treating pain to look for the pain to go away and not for the warm glowy blanket feeling. At a teaspoon a day a lot of people claim there is no withdrawal but it’s just subtle. As dose gets higher withdrawal gets more real but it’s still always more mild than the comparable opiate withdrawal. Brew the leaves at a full boil, stir for at least thirty seconds, then sweeten and add the milk of your choice. The powder should settle to a bottom so you don’t have to filter. You can brew the same kratom leaves twice, the second boil of the same leafs is about 1/4 strength compared to the first steeping.
There was even a kratom party on Facebook to try to support the legal access of the leaf and two websites recommended for cheaper acquisition: kratomforcheap.com and ensobotanicals.com
Chai hu mu li long gu!! (a chinese herb) was quoted as having “No symptoms at all. Best formula for narc especially.” Aleve and a natural sleep aid made it relatively easy to middle through the insomnia. Aleve supposedly helps w the restless legs. Also Black Seed Oil takes the edge off. Study up on Black Seed Oil in general. Worthy herb...
If you want to try the pharmaceutical that's indicated for opiate withdrawal, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clonidine is unscheduled and cheap and your doctor should be happy to prescribe it for minor opiate withdrawal. It's also magical in its own right, but we're just starting to explore some of the strangeness of the pharmacology of the imidazoline receptor.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
"Nobody should die because they use drugs. Where at one time it wasn't a white suburban mom's problem, suddenly a loved one dies and now it becomes their problem. Harm reduction like testing strips is not a solution, its just giving someone another day of life."Tino has reverse overdosed over 100 people, none of whom he knew personally outside of a few that were clients of agencies he had jobs with. "Its about educating people about how to do drugs better...test a small amount for the strength first, get off in pairs; watch each one person for five minutes, have naloxone on hand after getting trained on how to administer the life saving anti-overdose medicine which now comes in a nasal spray that requires no needles at all to use. All it takes 6 to 10 grains, (like a grain of salt)of Fentanyl to kill you. Part of the work that Tino does is educating users about better and safe drugs use. It isn't about prevention or prohibition, to him, it is about saving lives. You can support Tino's work by contributing here.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Saturday, November 18, 2017
He came to me through my print ad. I had a deal in the weekly newspaper of LA that never to failed to double its investment every time I ran it despite this business being supposedly all internet based, there still are people who don’t have smart phones or know how to use a computer. These numbers are dwindling but I seemed to have found a worth while niche for myself regardless. Because I had already been through hell and back with too many drug addict late night clients, I had for the last four years working started to screen all of my clients and charging more per hour. My screening before was really based upon whether they sounded fucked up on the phone and if they asked me “Do I party?” was an automatic disconnection. Even if I did love to do coke with my clients, any person who asked me if I partied was guaranteed trouble for me based on experience. I started to see only professional working men. Men who weren’t afraid to tell me the truth about who they were and what they really wanted from their hearts, who weren’t afraid to confess that their hearts were broken and needed healing. I now had a screening process which required an internet name and phone number search and verification of government ID. I have one memory of an addict from my pre-screening times who blew his rehab money on me and more heroin but came to me in a way that was anything but dangerous, so I do have some good words to share about those times. When I laid close to his heart, I could feel the drugs pulse through his body so strongly that I got a contact high without any needle penetrating me. I can’t do IV drugs, it takes a skilled phlebotomist and a butterfly needle to get a blood test from me and I have more than once been the recipient of having an unskilled nurse miss a bunch of time and create purple blotch bruises all over my arm and hand where they finally used a vein. On the night that I held the rehab ditcher, his heart was injecting into me, and it felt like love.
I held my rehab ditcher for hours in his doze off until the sun rose and I left. But this wasn’t my current client. I had screened him on the phone based on the story that he told as he was one of the founders of one of the hugest LA festivals that everyone and their mother knew the name of. He had brought in Jane’s Addiction and the Chili Peppers and probably started his journey somewhere around there with the rest of them. His name was confirmed listed in the Wikipedia history of the festival and matched the name on his ID and the depth of knowledge that he had about music festival history which I also ask casually when I screen people for truth or lies. He had just move home to live in the home that he grew up in, where his mother lived in the back. In my current need to be safe and sane in my work I eliminated anyone who told me they used crystal meth. I had put this in practice for at least 4 years since my last interaction with a user was chasing one such down the street with a stun gun because he was trying to stalk and harass me. The client in front of me, we’ll call him Henry seemed calm and sweet. He was in his fifties and face showed the aged wrinkles of years of rock and roll living. He soon confessed to me that he was a lifelong addict and always had trace amounts of meth in his body, even as he stood before me. I appreciated and felt his truth. I went with him to the local bank to withdraw my fee which would cover my time for the next twelve hours as well as paid for me to eat well in a nice restaurant because, a 12 hr session requires a meal and rest break. It was a large chunk to say the least, but none of these sessions that I did for these guys do I retain any sense of guilt for. I never manipulated what I was offering, they came to me willing and wanting something else beside the equally as unsober hostess for their addictions which they probably had grown tired of spending money on by this time in their lives. I hoped I was a catalyst to some kind of change. I can never be sure what I effect I have had on the lives on any of my clients. I can not even base it on their words of affirmation or adoration even as those could also be lies.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
It is truly amazing the human capacity to withstand pain and repeat cycles of violence before breaking. Some fucked up relationships can go on for decades. But the lab rats when left alone with heroin laced water will always overdose and die. At some point the mind inside the user’s body decides NO MORE. Either by death or detox, something finally gives. It is a slow suicide. Even calling it that is a catch phrase that rings true to me when i describe being suicidal to people. I would do whatever drugs clients did or put in front of me. I once traded sex for pills from a pimp. I was trying to get Oxycodone but he gave me something weaker. Vicodin. I can’t commit suicide with Vicodin! Or maybe it is possible but i just ended up throwing up for half a day.
Is suicide a choice? Do you support your friends in making this choice? Is it like when a friend gets an abortion?
I posted this on my Facebook. People convinced me it was not a choice because it was a mental illness. No sane person would make this choice they said. I thought back to fucking that pimp (not my pimp) for those pills. What was I thinking? That it would take just 3 to OD on oxy for me and I could die alone and unnoticed because the world as I knew it was pointless. My narrow tunnel of darkness was a form of mental illness I reasoned. My logic was indeed skewed. I felt at the time that I was “trying to become a drug addict” because at least a downward spiral would count as having “direction” since most of my depression at the time was the result of having lost an identity around being a sex worker founder of an organization, getting arrested and jailed and feeling like my life had no direction. The feeling that being denied the right to work a teaching job was a good reason to give up entirely on any future. Mental illness. No sane person chooses addiction. Or do they?
Lily Fury wrote to me and many others on Facebook personally apologizing for the Bambi Ortiz fiasco in which she created a digital character or three that represented all of the social justice rainbow spinning a fundraiser for a victim raped by a NYC cop story that pulled the heartstrings of many people workers and non workers in the sex worker rights community, who has been in the last five years working hard to implement social justice into the organizing structure with conscious visibility and its own form of affirmative actions which would show up in events, conferences, marches and media campaigns like Bambis. Bambis photos were sexy. So was Harmony, her Latina persona. So was the Asian one she created too. She would pull my bisexual sweatshirt strings towards her full lips and whisper about the good times we could have if we were alone in New York City on my next visit. Haha it was all from Lily pretending to be women (plural) of color). I fucking donated to her and I didn’t even have the money for my own rent. I was promptly refunded after this whole shit was uncovered but the whole community was outraged as they should have been. The campaign had gone viral and she had effectively embezzelled a few thousand dollars. I don’t know what happened to the money, but she would be posting happy white sand beach photos with her tribe and girlfriend “sorry not sorry” as the caption in bold during the uncovering of the fiasco. Mental Illness. Narcissism.
“I’m sorry. I’m bipolar and have schizoaffective disorder. I had just been incarcerated and was in heroin withdrawal in a terrible state of mind. I’m continuing on my journey of self growth for my daughter. I know what I did was fucked up and will always regret it but unfortunately I can’t go back in time. I can only move forward and learn from my mistakes to be a better person.”
The rest of her blog, like the rest of her writings are well written literate pieces, explaining the situation in a transparent recap, step by step from her brain to our community. Lily asked to add me into a sex worker group on FAcebook. Bambi Ortiz never personally reached out to me, but Harmony and her Asian persona had. I even tried to forward a media interview to one of her personas!
“No thank you.” I said.” I do not think you should be organizing sex workers.”
“I’m not,” she said,”It’s just a support group.”
She was gathering up who were still willing to be her allies. I was speaking to her on FAcebook. I hadn’t blocked and unfriended her. I told her I forgave her and wished her the best, but she and her crazy are the reasons I continue to stay away. Like an abusive ex. Don’t. Call. Me. I’ll. Call You. NOT.
Friday, August 4, 2017
This video doesn't speak to my experience, but maybe you? I kicked my marijuana addiction, but I still don't have my connection/inclusion needs managed...maybe I do. It's getting better here in Japan, AND once I get to Cali, I pick it right back up along with the connections that I miss, but with a NEWFOUND and successful bond with the substance knowing I can stop for any number of weeks, months etc...Weed for me came/comes with connections...its not simple, its deep deep in the crevices of the no love zone, dare you travel down there?
Hari's animated video touches briefly on trauma and its pull towards addiction, but Gabor Mate focuses more on it in his talks and theories. I appreciate his approach as well, as he has also done medical work on the most at risk area of Vancouver for most of his career. Mate quotes Eckhart Tolle saying,"all addictions begin in pain, and END in pain." and I again have to say, that wasn't true for me. My dependence began as a love bonding, continued as a love replacement and then ended with triumph and surprise. I started using marijuana daily with a partner as many people start using harder substances in relationship. Its all a fun party til you can't turn the music down when you want to right? While my daily use with that boyfriend began as a fun time, I realized how wonderful of a painkiller it was when we I used it to sooth me during our breakup. I can still describe it as "a mother's nipple when I am crawling in the darkness crying like an infant." And once I had started using weed as a coping mechanism, I seemed to never be able to stop for nearly 20 years. From the age of 22 until 39 I probably smoked every day minus great efforts to abstain for 2.5 months 1 or 2 years in a row. The typical quitting streak was 2-3 weeks. I fully felt addicted because I could NOT STOP despite my greatest efforts. I had great connection with weed. I started my career in sex worker activism when Robyn Few got me higher than a kite in a roomful of prostitution activist stoners. With the enthusiasm of MaryJane AND Robyn Few together in a smoky room we planned the beginnings of Sex Workers Outreach Project on a national level and organized Desiree Alliance in its origin years. So then, why was I not able to quit? I had a boyfriend most recently 2 years ago who tried his hardest to shame and compel me into quitting. That was the worst. So here, I am threatened with losing this new relationship over cheating on our agreement that I wouldn't smoke unless I was nauseous and felt like I needed it medically when I had a stomach infection. But the teen rebel in me HATES any exterior control so she will always cheat despite the consequences. Interventions for someone else's good do not work unless the person is on board with seeing her usage as a problem. I remember 3 of my housemates were trying to get me to cut down smoking on my bong everyday. I managed to do it for them for about 3 weeks as well. And when I confessed that I had given up one of them said,"oh it wasn't for us that you were doing it, it was for YOU." HA HA. I did end up getting kicked out of that house for other reasons but it was quite the unideal disconnected human tragedy that would drive someone deeper into addictive behaviors not away from them. Some humans can be so stupid about their caring techniques. The connection of AA works as a community replacer for many people to finally "get clean," engage in mentoring relationships and have an endless global community that will support them dropping in without an appointment at ANY TIME OF THE DAY. That IS the opposite of addiction for them for sure. And to them addiction is a medical disease. The AA model would probably not work for me either. I can be a lone wolf probably due to my trauma history. "why do people use?" Gabor Mate says,"because they have deep emotional problems that they don't have the means to resolve on their own." And he also acknowledges that with right support, addicts need to learn to BE WITH THEIR PAIN not try to escape it. Perhaps, it wasn't until I defied the boundaries of possible and moved to Japan that I was also able to simultaneously defy my other impossibility which was abstain from using cannabis for months. I consider my addiction issues resolved even though I still use the substance. J does as well, even after going through a detox program saying that was "kicking was the worst experience. one of the worst of my life. i couldn't do it again..."
I remember studying Lisa Najavits "Seeking Safety" group therapy model as a possible model to adapt for a sex worker support group I wanted to start to support myself. This group therapy model was meant to support the "co-occuring disorder" of PTSD mental illness and drug use as a coping mechanism during trauma recovery. The problem was the Najavits group model didn't seem to understand sex work outside of a risky behavior or crime and we sex worker activists begged to differ. But, in our defiance we often covered up our wounds with more substance and more sex work, AND many of us transformed our sex work addictions into sex work ACTIVIST ADDICTIONS. The glory of the fight, the media attention, the sexy community that came out of the woodwork to join you...it all seemed like the best thing to do with your time and money. Until we discovered that we couldn't escape our trauma that way. It only multiplied in a roomful of hurt people, who often went through their current coping mechanisms of hurting the community that they were supposed to be so happy to have found. I knew that I was coping with marijuana for several reasons and soothing myself from post traumatic stress disorder triggers was definitely one of the main reasons I never saw myself ever becoming sober, especially during the escort years where sexual violence and more trauma was an all too often occurring tragic continuum that I lacked the ability to deal with.
Mate states that "all addictions originate in childhood trauma." and since I earlier gave the visual of sucking on a bong feeling like the equivalent to sucking on a mother's nipple when screaming in the darkness, I'm sure I can agree that there is a strong childhood, if not infantile wound that I am attending to. A wound that I can't even put into talk therapy rooms because it likely occurred before my brain could even form words. Gabor Mate also talks about ancestral trauma. He had grandparents who were survivors of the Holocaust in Hungary, during this time all Jewish babies were meant to have incessant crying "problems." I have been hearing we hold ancestral wounds in our bodies for 5 or more generations. Finding connections when the substance connection is no longer enough. It is the courage to dig into the wound with the bravery of self growth instead of the usual escape. The CONNECTION that I lacked was the strength to connect to my pain, explore it, excavate it, overcome it, heal...When did the pain of rejection that I so needed to medicate begin? I am still discovering the truth of these imprints, with and without the aid of natural and synthentic substances.