FU PAY ME and other states of being

To take someone's sexual consent, in a calculated,

premeditated way means that you certainly felt justified

and often reason that it was owed to you somehow...

This is a Bill and Cardi parallel I can agree with.  

A powerful Hollywood actor billionaire and a woman

in her sex worker/sexual youth tigress prime have

in common that they feel entitled to anyone they

want to have sexually.  Because they are both so

hot, they are on fire and untouchable by any limits.

Bill Cosby was never a handsome man but his

hotness in his field and his net worth should

of course make people put that all aside.  

If you watch any episodes of the youtube series

"For my Man" you'll hear all the salacious but true

crime genre that dramatizes all the prison resulting

crimes women have done for the men they loved.

 You can justify anything you do, the most heinous

and vicious actions. Disassociation does not just

work for the wounded while they are getting

wounded but it works well to protect their hold on

reality from sinking in while they are perpetrating

violence.  It may not be for love, it may just be

because you feel like you deserve what you are

taking and this story even fuels your dehumanization

of your victims. But they're not victims to the

perpetrators, maybe they're toys. It's a thrill game

to them. Like when Winona Ryder used to shoplift

and make the news getting caught.  Making right the

wrongs with physical violence. Seems logical

to more than you might think.

To refer back to the initial quote of this piece, I wan

t to talk about feeling entitled to rape.   Payback?

Initiation. FUCK YOU PAY ME? That wound that

never heals because you and people in the same

stage of wounding as you are ensuring the cycle

continues.  I"m talking about Cardi B here. Not Cosby.

I don't know if I should even attempt to imagine life in

Cosby's mind at the time, because it's very difficult to do

so if you have aligned more with Cardi for most of your

life.  I spent 6 years as an at risk "outcall bitch" in LA and

done and seen way too much crazy shit to really not ever

want to do it again but in awe of the me that used to be

able to it. 6 years is a long time. I never sexually or

physically assaulted anyone, but the same cannot be said

about clients doing to me.  “The streets” is a dangerous,

live living spark that passes from generation to generation,

cutting and burning everyone and many things on the way.

Overwhelmingly for female bodied sex workers and drug

dealers, death and rape are the occupational hazards.

Always being a victim because of your gender gets tiring.  

FUCK YOU. PAY ME. Street mentality is also not the most

emotionally developed because of the trauma people have

lived through by the time they are of age. One upping a man

at the violence game requires drugging a man or hitting him

blindside which is much more dangerous. How else to

overpower someone twice your size?  Knock them out.
Carry a gun. LEVEL UP. What game are you playing?

We have many choices to make in life, in “the streets” and

in various other locations throughout our development.  

What is the cost, what risk is involved, who will be hurt

and do we care? What can we stand to win? What have

we got to lose and who will be hurt are not even the same

questions in case you were wondering.  Your mindset controls

your body and your fate. It can make wrong seem right

and right seem scary, disgusting, dangerous because you

believe it’s impossible or threatening because its not familiar.

If someone breaks your heart or betrays you, you are entitled

to break their mind, body and soul forever.  You don’t actually.

But it will take some time maybe a lifetime before it sinks in.