If you murder someone, even yourself, make sure you know what you are doing.

Is suicide just a RESET button? A Facebook friend of mine recently asked me if I had heard of Teal Swan. I had seen a few of her videos but there was something about her presence that was kind of cold and dark, as if she represented a dark energy that I couldn’t really pick up on. She has a huge cult following and says things like “Suicide is a reset button and Death is delicious.” Of course, I didn’t know any of this when I was watching, I read about what she is now known to be about in an article calling her the Gucci Guru. Her words never really captivated me and I found myself distracted with other things while multitasking housework and listening to one of her YouTubes like I usually do many other speakers. I told this friend,”I had never felt really drawn to her. She’s kinda dark. I like her intro cartoon though.” I said, trying to come up with something nice to say. This friend used to come to me during times of suicidal ideations before I drew a boundary and said that I couldn’t hold space for it anymore and that she needed to call a crisis line or seek professional help. I’m sure that she clung to me for a while because I offered a different perspective on suicide that wasn’t usual from a friend in need. I had recently lost a former student of mine to suicide, which was indeed sad because she was so young and surely she was full of light and the furthest thing from seeming suicidal when I knew her. I asked my Facebook then,”Is suicide a conscious choice? Do you support your loved one in making this choice?” and this spurred off a lot of reactions from people, many whom I had never heard from before on my timeline. Some people seemed disturbed that I would even bring up such a topic for discussion. I was really interested in hearing what people thought, especially since Star had just killed herself. Star was a young queer girl in the Gay Straight Alliance club that I started. She was a trailblazer and someone I would describe as truly aware of the choices that she made and a young woman who was fully in her power. For me to see her as some kind of victim just didn’t sit well with me, but the truth was I couldn’t tell with accuracy since I hadn’t actually interacted with her since high school. Suicide most definitely hurts the people around you and creates havoc financially and mentally for your family and everyone else who has to deal with the pieces that you left behind. But such is death. The same pieces are left when someone is shot and killed by a gun wielding teenager in a movie theater or school campus. Because I don’t have a strong conviction AGAINST suicide I imagine people who may be depressed and suicidal feel comfort in that state as they are probably well over tired with hearing the same rhetoric. My advice to my recent friend was similar to a friend getting an abortion. If that is your choice, make sure you understand the choice you are making, and make sure not to fail at it. Nothing worse than these attempted suicides where the person has to be committed and or have permanent scars because a bullet missed or some poison permanently damaged their internal organs. If you are going to murder someone, including yourself, make sure that you have planned it in a way that doesn’t leave a mess for someone else or yourself to deal with. It sounds easy for me to say of course. I can only speak from my biased perspective. When I felt suicidal, I did want things to get better. I was on a slow course of destruction, just putting myself in harm’s way, just begging to be hurt and killed. I took whatever drugs were put in front of me and just swallowed substances without knowing what they were, who was giving them to me and what the consequences might be. I traded sex for a bottle of pills that I hoped was Oxycodone and instead it ended up being Vicodin. I downed about 5 and then ended up throwing them all up for hours over the toilet. It was a weak half assed attempt. Maybe I was saved by a divine force, maybe I was lucky. The plan I had was to overdose on oxycodone, but I only tried that once. I can’t really tell you how I started to slowly move away from the desire to die, but I did. In recent messages, this FB friend tells me she isn’t suicidal anymore and I say,Good. Is it bad to say, that I support people where they are at? Saying suicide is a reset button or that death is delicious is just another radical perspective put out there. It definitely condones it as something “not so bad” which is possibly where Teal and I may be on a similar wave length, although I see my stance as neutral. People we know who are addicted to drugs are seen as slowly killing themselves, so I suppose in all my years of working with drug users is how I arrived where I am. People have their time to die and their time to live. It wasn’t my time to go, else, the pills would have killed me because they would have been the “right” ones. But, turns out the “wrong” ones were the right ones and I can look back at this from a keyboard and sigh, not of relief but just reflection.

SESTA NO SIESTA

Yet another important bill is coming up for voting about “anti-trafficking’ on March 12th. The Senate will vote on SESTA, the Stop Enabling Sex Trafficking Act. Late last month, the U.S. House of Representatives passed House Resolution 1865 — titled the Allow States and Victims to Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act, or FOSTA — legislation intended to penalize operators of sites that facilitate online sex trafficking by holding companies like Facebook, Google, and Backpage.com legally liable for content their users post. Backpage has already shut down its erotic service ads and even though all the sex workers have seemed to move their ads to the personals section, just this small shift in perception and presentation has changed the market. When I advertise on BP pretending to look for dates, it is not as effective as when I am able to post the services that I provide and my website link. Some workers feel like it’s perfectly the same to charge seekers for sex in the dating section, because dating is something like prostitution anyway they reason, but I don’t really agree with this line of thinking. There are lots of sex workers who NEVER have sex without getting paid. They view this as “unpaid sex work.” Again, this is not the way I feel about dating men, and I make a clear line between the way I act while I am working and use plenty more discretion when I date people for free versus when I see clients. Facebook is already fucking nuts about their censorship of race, sexual topics and female nipples, either yourself or someone you chat with frequently on Facebook has been in “Facebook jail” for showing a nipple or talking about some censored topic that they shared for artistic expression, activism, community support or because it was their own body and they should have the right to show it if they wanted to. I tried to advertise as a professional cuddler on craigslist, the first site to voluntarily knock down their own erotic service section, I got flagged within minutes in the therapeutic section even though I could tell their were other sex worker ads listed. I also tried to look for someone that was mixed race like me because I am seeking cultural connection and understanding, and that too was flagged on craigslist. In Trump’s America, I don’t have a lot of hope for the future of good laws. FOSTA already passed, and whoreaphobic Kamala Harris is running for president in 2020. She worked with Gavin Newsom when they were both in San Francisco City Hall to do really racist “anti Asian sex trafficking” campaigns to boost their career paths up. It’s really easy to do blanket legislation on sex trafficking because all you have to do is arrest a bunch of consensual adult sex workers and voila! You have met the requirements for being tough on trafficking and you win the race for mayor/president. Here is a petition that sex workers are running to create awareness for the SESTA bill March 12th. The lawmakers voting on this bill do not know how it would actually work. We are sex worker rights advocates and we know that this piece of legislation will harm more people than it will help. Sign the petition to tell the U.S. Senate and Trump not to pass FOSTA/SESTA. They must find a better way to shut down trafficking that doesn't make people less safe.” My best friend and life long sex worker rights advocate Scarlot Harlot has been talking about this stuff since before the internet. White Slavery was the first “anti-trafficking” act of the 1800s, so it seems like internet or not, this savior campaign is just NOT EVER GOING TO DIE. It’s like a fucking zombie in the Walking Dead and we have to figure out a way to get it right between the eyes for good, and if we have to slay some celebrity Hollywood martyrs and a Black feminist running for president in the process, oh well.

Reality versus Red Tube: the unfortunate difference between porn and escorting

I can always tell I’m getting my period by the amount of porn I’m masturbating too. It still actually makes me laugh every time this happens. The need to have 2 or 3 orgasms in a day only comes the day before the blood flow. And even during the first few days of pain and cramps I’m still on that red tube looking for ass to mouth threesomes and different scenarios that corrupt “teens” LOL. They have a series called Moms teach sex, ha ha. And always the stepmom fucking the stepson. Watching millenials have sex makes me realize how old I am. But, you do hit the MILF category in porn once you are in your 30s so it's not so hard to be old in porn. It’s funny because nowadays the idea of being attracted to people in the 20s doesn’t really seem practical to me. 1. They usually don’t look like porn stars in real life. And I”m always worried about the reality vs fantasy aspect of things. Nothing is usually as good as it is on porn, although sometimes it is. When I was an escort I got to have sex with clients who were 10-15 years younger than me occasionally. That was always fun. When you get paid to experiment, there is no risk because if it ends up being wonderful it is like getting paid DOUBLE! And, if it doesn’t go well, there is no real loss. I recently went to a sex club and decided I would try fucking 3 guys for the first time. I wasn’t getting paid. I just was feeling something experimental because 2 of the guys were Japanese and I was seeking to find out how i was going to work out. It ended up being the worse experiment of my life, even the 3rd guy wasn’t Japanese but ALL OF THEM made NOT ONE SOUND the whole time. It was like blowing 3 mannequins. Have you ever had the kind of sex where ten minutes into you just wanted to throw in the towel and forget that anything ever started? “Gee, you know what, letttttts just all put our clothes back on and get a beer. This, is uh, not going to work out.” I am really aurally stimulated, meaning I need to hear sounds. But, they need to be genuine which seems to be a big challenge to a lot of guys. Even if they aren’t talkers, they at least have to be BREATHERS meaning that if I put their cock in my mouth, I want to feel a RESPONSE. And needless to say, all three of these dicks were pretty soft and squishy in my presence. There was this nerdy geeky dude that I did NOT want to have sex with at all, but he tagged alongside a cute guy that I liked and I let him participate in the end because I was mostly just into the experiment of it all. I’d been with 2 guys before, even tried to do a porn style DP TWICE in my life and both times one of the guys just couldn’t hang and tapped out, fell out and game over. This is what I mean about porn not being reality and how I know by life experience. Sex Work has given me access to these experiences for money and like I said, even if it doesn’t work out for anyone, I end up getting paid. Also from experience, I know that not all sex work is equal and that porn and escorting is usually worlds apart that sometimes, especially when I’m masturbating I wish and wonder what it would be like to have real professional fuckers in me instead of the regular johns that escorts get most of the time. The ugly nerdy guy was sucking on my pussy like someone trying to eat an orange off a rind. I HATE BEING SUCKED. Anywhere. Do NOT suck my clit or my nipples, i might even get so annoyed I can punch you. I know, some women like that shit. I just watched a Japanese porn and the girl was sucking on some other girls pussy with loud slurping noises that American porn actors never make. I see, this is where this man learned his “technique” from. And I guess when I say I need sounds, I guess I mean, I need the sounds that I LIKE. Not just any old sounds. When I told them I needed to hear them make some noise, the German guy of the group decided to try to make some moaning sounds when he was on top of me, but it was just a bad acting job because his dick wasn’t even inside me! The thing that I am really glad that sex work has allowed me is the ability to RELEASE JUDGMENT about what substandard sexual things are occurring without grossing out or losing my shit. Having a nerdy guy suck me like an orange is an experiment, I’m sure I’ve experienced in sex work before, so I just reverted to escort head space mode. There are possibly hundreds of unattractive dicks I’ve fucked for money and this is how I dealt with it. Total detachment in the moment. The shower in the end erases everything that happened if it wasn’t pleasant. Cleansing whore bath. I loved it every time. But this last 3 man experiment was just FREE SEX WORK. A donation for the losing team. The sinking ship going nowhere for the 45 minutes total that it took from start to finish. I have no idea how long it was, the 2 Japanese guys left as soon as they came and it seemed like they were on me for 15 minutes each. I was their masturbation tissue in human form and I didn’t get paid. All I got was a record of the worst most pathetic sex I’ve EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, and that’s pretty bad considering i’ve clocked 7 years of escorting in my life. Sad, sad, sad, sad. Lucky, I can blog and release the terribleness of it all through my words.