When I Was Dating an Addict

When I was 22 I fell in love with a closet heroin addict.  He would

come to my apartment on 19th and Mission street in San Francisco,

the heart of the drug market of the city and be able to score any

drug that he wanted just a few blocks away on 16th.  One time,

he came back home with his shirt ripped up and he had fear in his

eyes when I met up with him. He played the victim and i played the

savior. He told me he was robbed and I believed him. I had no idea

that a drug sale was part of this robbery. He would fall asleep to

me serenading Sarah Mclachlan “Angel” to him. “Spend all your

time waiting, for that second chance, for the break that would make

it okay. There’s always some reason, to feel not good enough, and

it’s hard at the end of the day.  I need some distraction, oh a beautiful

release, memory seep from my veins. Let me be empty , oh yeah

weightless yeah, maybe, find some peace tonight, In the arms of

an angel…” little did I know that his angel was heroin and not me, but,

I was only 22 and I naturally gave men the benefit of the doubt.  He

was the same age as me. I took things at surface value because

his heroin addiction was just one of the many issues that I had to

deal with, but now listening to this song, I wonder how I couldn’t

have known better.  It takes experience I suppose to recognize addiction.

And now at 42, I have all that and more experience, too much experience

and street smarts that perhaps I wish I didn’t need to have.

The man that I find myself dating now is sick often.  He wakes up with
pounding headaches and doesn’t want to go to the doctor.  “you're not a
doctor, and you haven't lived with this your whole life. It's not meant to
be rude, but you've seen a small sliver of this. Cluster headaches and
migraines are a real thing” he says to me.
And frequent diarrhea and stomach aches and paranoia and social anxiety.
He can’t get through an entire movie without going to the bathroom feeling sick
twice during and he can’t get through hanging out in the park without the urgent
need to leave and go home to feel better.   And, we aren’t sexually active.
We’ve had sex once in 3 weeks. It’s early in the relationship, just a month
into a new thing that doesn’t have a lot of frequent contact so I feel like he is
reminiscent of other relations and other roads I’ve travelled before.  

It also reminds me of Walt Whitman’s character in Breaking Bad.
I almost stopped watching this show, 3 episodes in because his lies were
just triggering the shit out of me. I just could not empathize with his dying
of cancer ass regardless because the LIES just trump anything, even a life
or death matter.  Any relationship built of trust is what makes people WANT
to be at your bedside when you are dying, EXCEPT IF you lie to
their faces constantly, it changes the game entirely. Now, they feel like they
have the right to SPIT ON YOUR FACE while you are dying and even feel
justified to steal the savings from your debit card while laughing because it
becomes a vengeance game.  “I just want you to know that I am not naive
or stupid and I have worked with the stories of perhaps hundreds of men,
maybe thousands.” I told him. I have loads of experience “seeing”
things that I wish I wouldn’t have seen in my life. “I know you aren’t.” he says,
but I don’t think he know what I mean when I say these words. He told me
that he has never done drugs, and even asked me after I laid with him on a blanket
in the park kissing him after I did acid at a nightclub the night before.  “Can you get
high from kissing someone on acid?” which i calmly responded, no. There is no
such thing as a contact high from LSD, unless it is directly contacting the liquid with
the drug in it. Certainly not 24 hours after the high had been processed through my
body through dancing, peeing and sleep. NO such record of contact LSD high from
kissing exists. “You can only get herpes from kissing,”I joked, knowing that I had
already disclosed my herpes status to him before and that I really didn’t worry
about the contagious nature of my HSV  and neither did he because it had been
over 10 years since i had tested positive. I thought the question was incredibly
naive and even somewhat illogical for an intelligent person like him, however it
could stand to distract my suspicion that he could be addicted to any drugs
because of stated ignorance, but his symptoms certainly are reminiscent of
someone I knew before. .

Who is the addict in the room?

I want to go back to him again today but...Have you ever resisted a hot guy trying to have raw sex?? It's difficult and challenging to do ONCE! The thought of it makes me feel a pain in my abdomen. I wonder if there is a way to play with him again but safely. I doubt it. he is like the devil rearing his unprotected head into my vagina without a condom! Busting past my thin layer of resistance and covering myself with my dripping wet desire for his cock.

a gorgeous abdomen was an understatement, i ran my hands across its seeming perfection. 6 pack and the pelvic arrow lines that point below the waist line to his cock...every 20 minutes he'd plunge a needle full of coke into the veins in his arms. I stared at his body while he talked to me about fighting as a bouncer, as a jiujitsu fighter...He was hoping i was a junkie and that I would try to mainline some coke with him (no way!), or fuck him w/o a condom (no way!) but i was donating my time to be with him really, to lay on his physique and try to unravel its story. he could be the hero in the new James Bond type flick...you would never know...i been with junkies who lost their top row of teeth entirely and whose faces looked like it was literally just skin and bones on a good day but this man was still beautiful and it fascinated me.

he paid me $75 and i stayed for THREE HOURS! (It’s usually $2-300/hr minimum) that's how hot he was. i had been sitting in my desk working on a grant app for the last 6 hours before that..I made him take off his shirt after the first hour. I ran my face along his stomach and licked that lovely crack of pelvis that I love on a fit, well chiseled man. I absolutely exploited his beauty in exchange for my companionship. I couldn’t understand how he could look so great and do as many drugs as he did. All his stories about training in martial arts 8 hours a day reflected in his body. I felt as if I could get a contact high sometimes from IV drug users because the energy of that high is so strong. Twice I have laid with someone who has shot up something and felt a blissful aligning between our chakras that was just as deeply satisfying to me who wasn’t using as it was to them. They were getting high off the chemical, and I was getting high off of their chemicals. It helps me to remind myself that not ALL drug addicts are ugly people who have nothing to give in return to the world.

Introduding Earth Kratom from Long Beach, California

Today, I'm talking with Earth Heart Kratom, co-owner Brandon Bryant is a spirit technician who has a passion and expertise in plant medicines based in Long Beach, California.

Brandon, Tell me about your new business.

I'm importing kratom concentrate. Mood elevators
seem to be kind of hitting right now, people are finding
that they are effective.
I already work with other plant medicine
modalities so this seems to be a natural
expansion. Our source
for it is from the Netherlands, they do the processing and concentration.
The Kratom plant is usually from
Indonesia, but the strain
we sell is from Thailand. I put my order in for our
first large shipments, I have the
capsules and tools and hopeful to start sales in about a month.  

Kratom isn’t a session based medicine,it isn’t a psychedelic, it’s sold like a Tylenol.You can buy it in vape shops in California right now. We want to sell it with online marketing through our yet to be developed website; right now we are just selling it to
people we know.  I’ve bought a website. The plan is to import it, weigh it, and capsule it.
I can test for fentanyl and other research chemicals, so I make sure that none of that is in there.

Ibogaine is a session facilitated plant medicine that has helped many
people get off of opiates, including Brandon himself.

What is the big difference between Kratom and other opiate
kicking plant medicines?

It is illegal to offer services with Ibogaine, so Brandon
feels this fact, plus the ease of distribution are two
reasons to get into Kratom as a business.
In a Scientific American article, someone had been
using 10 ml of Dilaudid, a very strong opioid everyday.
His wife found out he was injecting and so he started on
Kratom and the story is that
he never had any dope sickness/withdrawal.
When he finally went to
the doctor, he wanted him off the kratom. The doctor
wanted him off kratom because, this is America and its
not FDA approved. When they took him off the kratom,
he STILL didn’t have withdrawal. It has a lot of promise
for me, as a recovering opiate addict, i often fear if I ever
get into an injury accident, then what am I going to do.
Kratom could be an alternative for that. It does affect
the opioid receptors in the brain, but so does coffee,
sex and everything else worth doing. I think in the same
sense it can be addictive like coffee is addictive, but I haven’t
found any research aside from headaches
and crotchiness as side effects.

It's great for my irritable bowel syndrome, i find when work

gets stressful and i get an episode of stomach cramps,

if I take 500-600ml (one capsule). I don’t currently have
chronic pain, and advil wouldn’t really help

with IBS problems. OTC painkillers don’t really help with
anxiety or depression, but Kratom seems to hit both; it works like
a standard painkiller and a mood elevator.

How does it compare to uses of medical marijuana?
I haven’t seen that cannabis is as effective as a pain killer,
CBD has some promising studies but there are some
psychosomatic stuff going with it.   

Do people get  high from doing Kratom?
Personally, i have not gotten high off it.  I’ve read stories
of people taking heroic doses off it so that they get high.  
There is some responsibility that the user has to take.
There is a potential for abuse but i believe it is way safer
than alcohol and safer than acetaminophen as far as what
it does for the liver. Any time we bring something into our
bodies, it should be to correct something and it should have
an end date.  We should always be striving to improve
our health. I measure [intake of anything] by the amount
of harm, and i do not believe that Kratom depresses the
respiratory system in the same way opiates do. Fibromyalgia
and other chronic pain conditions seem to respond well to it,
for people who rely on benzos for anxiety this could be a good
alternative for them.