Ayahuasca and Cuddle Sessions

Henry must have been on a low key binge because he put down $1800 on me plus dinner that day and in the weeks that I would know him, I only got one more $200 session out of him and we eventually parted into the land of no contact. He had given me some odd things from his last move: a bodyboard, a few speakers, a stereo receiver. I remember his bedroom being full of my asthmatic dust trigger to the point that I couldn’t even have a peaceful session there because I was sniffling and needing to sneeze every 5 minutes. We had transitioned into friends after our 12 hour date because mostly we cuddled a lot. I even got to play my singing bowls and do some things I don’t usually do with people. (Its 12 hours and he is on drugs and I know how to think like i'm on one so, you get to use lots of creativity...and bond intensely). I told him once he told me that he was on meth at the moment that he was absolutely NOT going to receive a frantic speedy energy session, the kind of vibe from clients that I would accept because I thought that I needed that money but I didn’t; the kind of session that had my wrist hurting because I would be playing hand job robot provider to a tweaked out client who kept thinking he was just about to cum. Never again, I said after a few of those sessions. Henry wasn’t like that at all. He was seeking spiritual advice from me. He was calm. He wanted intimacy and cuddling. We did that. We got along well. I enjoyed our time together. I started to plan for a future session. I had recently become friends with a friend who was a DMT facilitator. His friend was an ayahuasca facilitator and even though B, my friend had complaints about I’s personality defects he raved about his services and how their sessions doing ayahuasca helped him kick addiction to prescription pain meds. Now B still does lots of drugs, usually of the psychedelic ilk, but I suppose he wanted to mainly kick the opiates when he enlisted I. I talked to I about Henry and asked if it would be beneficial for a crystal meth user? He said that it works best with the chemical bonds that are in opiates but he has had success with patients who did have cocaine and meth addictions. I believe that the plant opens up channels that you might use the other substance to forget or numb, if you are willing to open and cleanse those cords and unmet needs then I think it would help with any addiction or pattern of behavior that you were ready to relinquish. We talked about options for future sessions, but Henry seemed to have gone big just once with me. I suggested that we go to a cuddle party, and I remember I even paid for his ticket if he would try it. I don’t remember exactly but I’m sure there was information in our session that would lead to me suggesting we go to a cuddle party. He didn’t make it. I went alone. In the end, I sent him information on doing ayahuasca sessions and he never really followed that path either. I wasn’t try to rescue him, but I wanted to just use my expertise and explore some avenues he may have thought did not even exist in the world. I think this is my job now with drug users. I would love to set up some Tibetan Healing bowls in a rehab facility for as much money as some of these people are paying to “get clean.” I’d love to be the luxurious healing goddess serenade for your come down.

Journal of Times I Might Have Forgotten How Painful if Not for Saving Old Journals

7/28/11 Another close race to the 1st of the month. Just used my lil disposable income to place an Eros ad. they only charged me $95 this time. I am STILL recovering from Monday. I will NEVER use this shit again. Its just my little codependent tendencies. I succumbed to the loneliness of the PNP hell. Pulled me in. And now I am even more alone with it all. I simply can't believe that I spent 8 months allowing his mediocre shit head coke/meth snorting lame ass into my body over and over. Today was going ok until it became just like a work date and I got scared. I just can't believe how much my body is being ravaged by this drug. But I guess its good because it really shows me how awful it is. Just like Carlos. He kept me on his "payroll." His lame ass. I was his cheap little dirty fuck and I loved it. Good ol Destiny Inn off the freeway. I have to drive past it every time and I have flashbacks. He sucked me in so easily because there was no one else who gave a shit. No one else wanted to hold me in the world. I was so very alone and I know exactly why I needed him. There was nothing else but my own loneliness to comfort me and it was so so sad. The last time we got high I was not having fun. It was as if I was coming down almost immediately as I went up. It was scary. I am obsessing over my ok cupid profile. TMI as always.

What a perverse addiction it is....but we all NEED TO EAT. or at least that's why I always tell myself afterwards.

I needed a lil drugs....a lil money....and...a lil LOVE. And really the amounts indeed were just that. Little.

A lil drugs cuz the lack of money, a litl money cuz the lack of love. Just the basics in doses I tried to be in control of...If that is an addiction then I guess I'm just a basic neccesity junkie phening for another cure for my lonely cries aching for someone to hold me, kiss me sweetly. It could be so much worse. I'm so glad I am blessed to live and continue to give.

I came to you cuz my pockets were in need. You were the only one there willing to let me stay the night. Some-BODY to hold and receive my love. The love that I have been dying to give someone deserving. 7 days ago I purposely self destructively, self harmed myself in an effort to PURGE this man's evil and ugly connection to my beauty. I did it in a way that was somewhat risky and somewhat reckless but in a way that I knew would not be too dangerous.

It was an amazing high for about an hour. And then it was all downhill from there...

7 days it stayed in the muscle fibers of my body nasty chemicals infusing my pure heart full of LOVE THAT HE NEVER DESERVED. I sometimes asked myself why but I was able to finally analyze every aspect of why I went to him each time he called and i was able to FORGIVE MYSELF for having the desire to have my basic needs fulfilled. My tank was running on empty and he would offer to fill me up. Not a lot, just a little and then...always the inevitable disappointment. For 7 days I felt physical pain in my body which served as a reminder of the drug that I never shall put in my body again.