Drugs, Netflix and Chill

Self Medicating Trauma

Self Medicating Trauma

The day I decided to quit my job at the restaurant was

the second day that I was awake tossing and turning.

When I drink a lot I pass out but then after the initial inebriation

settles into my body I wake up at 2 or 4 or 6am feeling a

very certain kind of shitty. This certainty about the certain

shitty comes from my body's familiarity with self medicating

trauma. I'd gotten a job working as a general kitchen/server

staff at this restaurant in Tokyo just 2.5 months ago to
strengthen my Japanese fluency.  The work was not only
physically demanding but also mentally challenging for me
to work in my still developing second language AND deal
with the I'll treatment of all the managers around me. At first,
when times were hard I was being scolded constantly for
doing things wrong, and not remembering where things went I
absorbed all criticism. It was my fault, my Japanese was
shitty, I was not accustomed to Japanese work culture,
I wasn't good with authority, it was certainly my incompetence
that was causing them all to be so upset, irritated, rude and
unhappy whenever I was trying my hardest to do my job.
'But, I soon came to realize that I was indeed being treated
unfairly and that this was just a low paid part time job that did
not deserve so much sacrifice of my mental health, brain
strain and hard labor. My bosses hardly said hello or goodbye
or thank you to me and this alone contributed to the eventual
feeling that I was being punished for choosing to work there.
When someone looks at you with disgust on a constant basis,
when someone slams their hand on the counter and yells at you
to move faster, when management thinks it's okay to scold you
every shift in addition to reducing your hours to barely making
the job worth your time, it is known as something called
'Power Harassment’ in Japan.  In America, it's called
“workplace abuse/bullying” and it happens frequent enough but
in Japan the hierarchical social structure and the people's
intolerance to immigrants paves a clear path to be able to silently
abuse workers who aren't outspoken or who for whatever reason
depend on the abusive job for survival and are afraid to speak up
about working conditions. My case for neither of these descriptions.
In my case, I am a survivor of an abusive romantic relationship,
various sexual assaults and workplace violence as an independent
sex worker and abuse as an employed sex worker from co-workers
and management. Violence while doing sex work is not the
same as abuse from co-workers as a sex work employee and in
the many many years of working in escort agencies, brothels and
strip clubs I'd experienced many forms of it.  It wasn't actually until
I just wrote this blog that it all came back to the forefront of my
current existence just how much bullshit I have survived. While
it was happening at the restaurant I thought it was residual
relationship violence because I once got scolded for drying the
wine glasses facing down not up and the boss on shift was
acting like a boyfriend who wanted to slap me or break a glass
for intimidation sake because I dared to forget what he'd told me one

week ago the last time I was at work.  “Didn't I tell you this already?
Don't you understand when I tell you things?” he chided,
waiting for a submissive affirmation and ending shaking his
head and telling me how I never listen. I end my shift during the
daytime around 3pm and head straight to the convenience store
to get two bottles of whatever would take the pain from
that day away. “Hello, PTSD my old friend…” a modified

version of the Simon and Garfunkel will tune my body for the
next 24 hours. Self medicating trauma comes to me as
instinctual as taking a bath for muscle pain. I allow it because
I know myself well enough to know it is not a gateway to addiction,
it's a gateway to strong action awayfrom having to self medicate in
the first place. When I was a late night escort, independent or otherwise
however I do remember quitting not being as attractive an option
as self medicating to endure a situation that I felt was out
of my control.  But thispart time restaurant job was a decade later
in a different part of the world but still with the same body that
holds the same trauma. When self medicating with substances I
drink or drug until I feel some distance from the situation at hand.
And through this haze and numbness, I actually get strength and
clarity. Strange, right? I've since quit the job, filed a complaint and
type this with totally satisfied with how far I've come from any kind of
abuse or violence, embracing my imperfections and shortcomings
gently, reflecting sober after the unsober and grateful that I've at least
always had the ability to not make the substances add and multiply
the original situation like many who can't control what happens after
the uncontrollable grasp and pull towards the medicine.

Pain Management in Japan

I’m talking with Bobby, a fellow American who suffers from chronic pain

which seems to be the side effect of a vaccine.That same vaccine was

once MANDATORY for all new immigrants into the U.S but has since

been removed. If you experience side effects from a vaccine

administered in the U.S., you can file a legal claim with the VICP,

and they will pay all of your legal fees whether you win or lose the case.  

Common side effects of the vaccine he took include injection

site reactions (pain, swelling,redness, bruising, or itching),

fever, headache, dizziness, tiredness, nausea,vomiting, diarrhea,

sleep problems (insomnia), runny or stuffy nose, sore throat,cough,

tooth pain, or joint or muscle pain.  He has been diagnosed with

arthritis throughout his entire body and he is not even 35 years old.  

We are both currently living in Japan and discussing pain management.  

He takes Percocet in the U.S and has brought a supply to Japan with him.

 (He doesn’t live in Japan, only a few months at a time, so he can bring

enough to take before he goes back to get refills for a few months.)  

Have you tried Kratom or CBDs for your pain?  It seems like it

might be a good fit for you.

I tried it in the U.S

I couldn’t tell if it did much

But it’s in the opiate family

So I didn’t want to take it and my Percocet, and when I tried to take

it instead of my Percocet it wasn’t enough

You’ve also got to take tons of it as powder to get it to be effective

My friend tried it too as a stimulant

She was throwing up it was terrible - she started throwing up and she

tried to keep taking it but finally as she threw up repetitively she had to stop

I think I talked to my pain doc about it and they said it’s basically just a different opiate

So...

I prefer to have my opiate use managed by a health professional

I also tried cbd and thc but by myself I couldn’t get it to touch my pain, but I did

find a doc who can oversee it, so now that my legal case has concluded when I

get back to the US I will be looking into it more.

I agree that when I have certain types of physical pain, THC doesn’t do much except

deal with the symptoms in your head that you have outside of the actual acute pain

 (such as anxiety/depression/mood elevation), but I think when you have intense

physical pain you really know when you need something stronger.

I’m mostly worried about my doctor and my future ability to get opiates here

If I lose that chance it’ll dramatically shorten the time I can stay in japan since

my doctor in the us can’t give me too long of a supply because of the war on

opiates in the U.S.  I’m fucked from both sides but unfortunately not in a

pleasant way lol

I tried Mdma for my arthritis

It helped but then when the effect wore off my body crashed - it helped not

just as a wonderful high, but because it knocks down your immune system

for a while.  I could take it but I’ll feel terrible for two days after, and then I’ll

feel a little better for a little while, and then worse...

I didn't like Percocet actually, or I probably would have asked you for one, he he,

but that would be kind of cruel since you need them and I don’t, but i’m sure I

would have asked anyway being who I am and that drugs in Japan are so hard

to come by.

Why don’t u like Percocet? When and how long did u take it? In the US I don’t know

that kratom would be very useful for me because it would be like I had to pay for my

opiate prescription out of pocket, Kratom isn’t a metaphorical opiate it’s an actual opiate.

I tried percs for recreational use only, Also oxy made me hug a toilet after getting really

short of breath and dizzy..  I take one pill like someone takes MDMA or ecstasy.

I’m not prone to addiction because I’m not attracted to super addictive substances

and when I do them, I seem to be able to stop myself when I start feeling shitty instead

of seek out more.  I do like Valium, though.

Yes it did the same for me for almost a year

I had to take an anti nausea medicine

But now I think my tolerance is high enough or something that it’s basically like

taking Tylenol for me or something

The mental effect is super subtle but the effect on my pain is very significant

Do u know what I think is the most interesting part of opiates? It makes it hard for me to cum

mdma too, its impossible for me to cum, feels great but no possible orgasm

you know its great that your friend is distilling the kratom, because it's super hard to take as a powder

i talked to my pain doctor yesterday so she could help me understand the differences

between percocet and oxycotin, because its oxycotin that i was able to get in japan - i might

be able to get normal oxycodone but they may have to order it or something special - complicated -

they work very differently because oxycotin is extended release - so i'm very worried that I

won't be able to get to the right dose, but we will see how it goes.

Japan has social insurance for residents and legal visa holders, but you are a tourist, so

it must cost you a fortune.

it was $250 for two weeks, it was expensive.  i had a prescription for a whole month but reduced

it to two weeks to make it more affordable, not a great situation for me, I may be in a lot of pain,

but I shouldn't experience withdrawal so that’s good

Does the fear of withdrawal plague you? It feels like a cold right?

i think the withdrawal would be very severe, sometimes when i don't take my medicine for a

while, my entire legs, both of them, begin to ache, like a restless leg syndrome kind of thing

i guess that would be a first sign - but i don't know much about the withdrawal, i don't really

think about it since i don't feel like I should be facing it anytime too soon

i think if i want to stop taking it ill do a gradual ween off and try to avoid any real

withdrawal symptoms

the biggest problem i believe would be dealing with the pain from my arthritis -

i'm not worried about withdrawal, im worried about living with my pain with no relief at all..

it never goes away, but at least i can somewhat function when I take enough medicine

if i keep taking the pills - i still feel some pain, but even with flares all over i can walk around and

still live a pretty good life.

When I Was Dating an Addict

When I was 22 I fell in love with a closet heroin addict.  He would

come to my apartment on 19th and Mission street in San Francisco,

the heart of the drug market of the city and be able to score any

drug that he wanted just a few blocks away on 16th.  One time,

he came back home with his shirt ripped up and he had fear in his

eyes when I met up with him. He played the victim and i played the

savior. He told me he was robbed and I believed him. I had no idea

that a drug sale was part of this robbery. He would fall asleep to

me serenading Sarah Mclachlan “Angel” to him. “Spend all your

time waiting, for that second chance, for the break that would make

it okay. There’s always some reason, to feel not good enough, and

it’s hard at the end of the day.  I need some distraction, oh a beautiful

release, memory seep from my veins. Let me be empty , oh yeah

weightless yeah, maybe, find some peace tonight, In the arms of

an angel…” little did I know that his angel was heroin and not me, but,

I was only 22 and I naturally gave men the benefit of the doubt.  He

was the same age as me. I took things at surface value because

his heroin addiction was just one of the many issues that I had to

deal with, but now listening to this song, I wonder how I couldn’t

have known better.  It takes experience I suppose to recognize addiction.

And now at 42, I have all that and more experience, too much experience

and street smarts that perhaps I wish I didn’t need to have.

The man that I find myself dating now is sick often.  He wakes up with
pounding headaches and doesn’t want to go to the doctor.  “you're not a
doctor, and you haven't lived with this your whole life. It's not meant to
be rude, but you've seen a small sliver of this. Cluster headaches and
migraines are a real thing” he says to me.
And frequent diarrhea and stomach aches and paranoia and social anxiety.
He can’t get through an entire movie without going to the bathroom feeling sick
twice during and he can’t get through hanging out in the park without the urgent
need to leave and go home to feel better.   And, we aren’t sexually active.
We’ve had sex once in 3 weeks. It’s early in the relationship, just a month
into a new thing that doesn’t have a lot of frequent contact so I feel like he is
reminiscent of other relations and other roads I’ve travelled before.  

It also reminds me of Walt Whitman’s character in Breaking Bad.
I almost stopped watching this show, 3 episodes in because his lies were
just triggering the shit out of me. I just could not empathize with his dying
of cancer ass regardless because the LIES just trump anything, even a life
or death matter.  Any relationship built of trust is what makes people WANT
to be at your bedside when you are dying, EXCEPT IF you lie to
their faces constantly, it changes the game entirely. Now, they feel like they
have the right to SPIT ON YOUR FACE while you are dying and even feel
justified to steal the savings from your debit card while laughing because it
becomes a vengeance game.  “I just want you to know that I am not naive
or stupid and I have worked with the stories of perhaps hundreds of men,
maybe thousands.” I told him. I have loads of experience “seeing”
things that I wish I wouldn’t have seen in my life. “I know you aren’t.” he says,
but I don’t think he know what I mean when I say these words. He told me
that he has never done drugs, and even asked me after I laid with him on a blanket
in the park kissing him after I did acid at a nightclub the night before.  “Can you get
high from kissing someone on acid?” which i calmly responded, no. There is no
such thing as a contact high from LSD, unless it is directly contacting the liquid with
the drug in it. Certainly not 24 hours after the high had been processed through my
body through dancing, peeing and sleep. NO such record of contact LSD high from
kissing exists. “You can only get herpes from kissing,”I joked, knowing that I had
already disclosed my herpes status to him before and that I really didn’t worry
about the contagious nature of my HSV  and neither did he because it had been
over 10 years since i had tested positive. I thought the question was incredibly
naive and even somewhat illogical for an intelligent person like him, however it
could stand to distract my suspicion that he could be addicted to any drugs
because of stated ignorance, but his symptoms certainly are reminiscent of
someone I knew before. .

Who is the addict in the room?

I want to go back to him again today but...Have you ever resisted a hot guy trying to have raw sex?? It's difficult and challenging to do ONCE! The thought of it makes me feel a pain in my abdomen. I wonder if there is a way to play with him again but safely. I doubt it. he is like the devil rearing his unprotected head into my vagina without a condom! Busting past my thin layer of resistance and covering myself with my dripping wet desire for his cock.

a gorgeous abdomen was an understatement, i ran my hands across its seeming perfection. 6 pack and the pelvic arrow lines that point below the waist line to his cock...every 20 minutes he'd plunge a needle full of coke into the veins in his arms. I stared at his body while he talked to me about fighting as a bouncer, as a jiujitsu fighter...He was hoping i was a junkie and that I would try to mainline some coke with him (no way!), or fuck him w/o a condom (no way!) but i was donating my time to be with him really, to lay on his physique and try to unravel its story. he could be the hero in the new James Bond type flick...you would never know...i been with junkies who lost their top row of teeth entirely and whose faces looked like it was literally just skin and bones on a good day but this man was still beautiful and it fascinated me.

he paid me $75 and i stayed for THREE HOURS! (It’s usually $2-300/hr minimum) that's how hot he was. i had been sitting in my desk working on a grant app for the last 6 hours before that..I made him take off his shirt after the first hour. I ran my face along his stomach and licked that lovely crack of pelvis that I love on a fit, well chiseled man. I absolutely exploited his beauty in exchange for my companionship. I couldn’t understand how he could look so great and do as many drugs as he did. All his stories about training in martial arts 8 hours a day reflected in his body. I felt as if I could get a contact high sometimes from IV drug users because the energy of that high is so strong. Twice I have laid with someone who has shot up something and felt a blissful aligning between our chakras that was just as deeply satisfying to me who wasn’t using as it was to them. They were getting high off the chemical, and I was getting high off of their chemicals. It helps me to remind myself that not ALL drug addicts are ugly people who have nothing to give in return to the world.