Lust, Love, Attachment all Bumble-d together

on a smartphone dating app.

Quick swipe hookup culture.  It’s what the kids are doing these days

.  No one is buying dinner anymore it seems.  Not even McDonalds.

“I don’t go on dates, not trying to date.” he said with a charming grin

on his face.  The same one on his selfie on his profile.  

I should have known better when a cute tattoo artist was giving me

sexy attention.  Looks like love but its really just sex.  But I had

been whipped into an adolescent romance fantasy and it looked

like love because my little girl had always wanted love from

someone like him.  He was handsome, he was an artist and

he was giving me attention.  All the important things necessary

for a life partner.  :)

“I’ll give you a tour of my place.” he said and we were upstairs in

his very clean studio apartment on top of his tattoo studio.  

“Wow.” I said. “Cool place.” I’d been looking at Honolulu living

spaces all week looking for an apartment to call home so, his abode,

although a little dark for me, was ideal for his sex filled tattoo caveman

lifestyle and I could appreciate how matched the two were for each

other.  I longed to find the same for myself.  I was still pretty naive to

his game.  The chemical blinders had begun to TAKE HOLD.  (It looks

something like ivy fingers growing over the eyeballs and brain stem).  

There are proven chemical reactions that happen to your brain on drugs

both chemical and internal.  Studying the science of attraction has really

helped me be able to make more solid decisions in my life.  

I’ve written about how love and drugs were related before but I made

some interesting new discoveries with this new Bumble fling.  

ADRENALYN.  Internet dating, hooking up, hiring a sex worker, buying

drugs/sex from a stranger all involve the body chemical adrenalyn.  And

when we mix it with people who are bad for us, that hit us, or fuck us rough

or spit in our faces? Adrenalyn.

Adrenalyn and attraction go together like cocaine and credit cards!  Weeee!

“Dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, referred to as "feel-good hormones",

are released shortly after meeting someone we like.

Dopamine triggers an intense rush of pleasure — which has the same

effect on the brain as taking cocaine. Once dopamine is released into

the body, it leads to:

• Increased energy.
• Less need for sleep or food.
• More focused attention on the person whom we like.
• Exquisite delight in all the smallest details of the new person.
• Need for attention.
• Feelings of excitement and happiness.

Serotonin plays a significant role in balancing mood, appetite, sexual

desire and sexual function and is an essential chemical for the start of

any new relationship. Serotonin diverts the mind and binds it to think

about one’s lover and nothing else. When this love chemical is in effect,

people are engrossed in thought about the person they like about 65

percent of the day.”  

    Well, after tattoo man and I were doing a Tantric eye gaze (I, of

course volunteered to demonstrate my “magic” on him) , I started to get

hungry.  

“There’s a bunch of restaurants down the street.  You’re free to go

and come back, I’ll be here.” he said with the same charming smile.

 All these body chemicals were making my head spin and my stomach

gurgle.  We had made it onto his bed in a cuddle and all of my

chemicals were now mixing together with vasopressin, aka the monogamy

drug which always gets kicked in when I see men with young children,

who make their status as baby daddy with a crib in his bedroom very

clear to the girls they are bringing to his bed.  He talks candidly about his

“baby” and all the trouble he’s in with the baby mama who is abusive to

him and paints himself out to be the good guy victim in any drama that

he describes.  “It’s because she’s a bad person.” he says nonchalantly.  

And girls like me are supposed to be, “Awwww let me help you get your

mind off that bad bad lady!”

FU PAY ME and other states of being

To take someone's sexual consent, in a calculated,

premeditated way means that you certainly felt justified

and often reason that it was owed to you somehow...

This is a Bill and Cardi parallel I can agree with.  

A powerful Hollywood actor billionaire and a woman

in her sex worker/sexual youth tigress prime have

in common that they feel entitled to anyone they

want to have sexually.  Because they are both so

hot, they are on fire and untouchable by any limits.

Bill Cosby was never a handsome man but his

hotness in his field and his net worth should

of course make people put that all aside.  

If you watch any episodes of the youtube series

"For my Man" you'll hear all the salacious but true

crime genre that dramatizes all the prison resulting

crimes women have done for the men they loved.

 You can justify anything you do, the most heinous

and vicious actions. Disassociation does not just

work for the wounded while they are getting

wounded but it works well to protect their hold on

reality from sinking in while they are perpetrating

violence.  It may not be for love, it may just be

because you feel like you deserve what you are

taking and this story even fuels your dehumanization

of your victims. But they're not victims to the

perpetrators, maybe they're toys. It's a thrill game

to them. Like when Winona Ryder used to shoplift

and make the news getting caught.  Making right the

wrongs with physical violence. Seems logical

to more than you might think.

To refer back to the initial quote of this piece, I wan

t to talk about feeling entitled to rape.   Payback?

Initiation. FUCK YOU PAY ME? That wound that

never heals because you and people in the same

stage of wounding as you are ensuring the cycle

continues.  I"m talking about Cardi B here. Not Cosby.

I don't know if I should even attempt to imagine life in

Cosby's mind at the time, because it's very difficult to do

so if you have aligned more with Cardi for most of your

life.  I spent 6 years as an at risk "outcall bitch" in LA and

done and seen way too much crazy shit to really not ever

want to do it again but in awe of the me that used to be

able to it. 6 years is a long time. I never sexually or

physically assaulted anyone, but the same cannot be said

about clients doing to me.  “The streets” is a dangerous,

live living spark that passes from generation to generation,

cutting and burning everyone and many things on the way.

Overwhelmingly for female bodied sex workers and drug

dealers, death and rape are the occupational hazards.

Always being a victim because of your gender gets tiring.  

FUCK YOU. PAY ME. Street mentality is also not the most

emotionally developed because of the trauma people have

lived through by the time they are of age. One upping a man

at the violence game requires drugging a man or hitting him

blindside which is much more dangerous. How else to

overpower someone twice your size?  Knock them out.
Carry a gun. LEVEL UP. What game are you playing?

We have many choices to make in life, in “the streets” and

in various other locations throughout our development.  

What is the cost, what risk is involved, who will be hurt

and do we care? What can we stand to win? What have

we got to lose and who will be hurt are not even the same

questions in case you were wondering.  Your mindset controls

your body and your fate. It can make wrong seem right

and right seem scary, disgusting, dangerous because you

believe it’s impossible or threatening because its not familiar.

If someone breaks your heart or betrays you, you are entitled

to break their mind, body and soul forever.  You don’t actually.

But it will take some time maybe a lifetime before it sinks in.

So What Brings You to Our Country Today?

I've been watching a lot of "Nothing to Declare" on YouTube because I've recently been addicted to the Police Confession/Interrogation RealityTV" genre.  I've watched entire police confessions from high profile killers half out of voyeurism and fascination and also for my own research to understand the games and ways that real interrogations at the border and in questioning rooms work.  It seems that the tactic is to drain your energy until you confess.  Hours and hours of grilling you with the same questions asked different ways and other mind manipulation tactics.  I've been also watching "To Catch a Smuggler" which was a natural succession because it was on the related videos tab where my attention naturally migrated.  I've recently found out that I'm actually an empath, so it is quite hard for us empathic people to hide our feelings, and police and border patrol authorities look for a break in your emotions while they are questioning you.  The interrogation that is recorded at the borders of the U.S, Canada, UK, and New Zealand.  You watch individuals try to lie on camera and get caught one after the other trying to smuggle everything from currency, drugs, meat and live insects.  There have been a few escorts on these shows who come from other countries and in the end, they confess and they are refused admittance from the Canadian episodes that I've seen after officers went through one woman's phone and found her work emails.  I have been detained and refused entry into Canada for bringing a weed pipe in my car thinking that I would save money buying a pipe, so I'd just not bring the weed flowers but bring my pipe.  It is illegal to carry marijuana from state to state of any quantity even if it is legal in the state you are leaving and going to.  It's still consider smuggling of drugs!  "We are arresting you for smuggling or attempting to smuggle xyz."   I had a pipe and after thorough inspection of my entire vehicle they did find a truly forgotten about half gram of kief powder (green powder you sprinkle on your bowl) in between my seats but it wasn't enough to arrest me.  in the mean time they did rifle through my shit including my journal, and kept me on each country's border for 6 hours, as well as perform a body search on me.  And since then, entry into Canada is frightening because I really was just intending to be a tourist that day.  They stop and turn back illegal workers all the time.  They rifle through your bags to see if you have any professional equipment and if you do ask if you have a work permit.  "I'm here to meet a girl from the internet" or "Just here for vacation" is used frequently, but fails when they open the suitcase and you've got construction worker equipment or martial arts gear in your suitcase.  And then they ask if they can speak to your girl or boyfriend to verify your story.  So I'm learning how to make sure to get my ducks in a line if I am going to lie about something through this show.  Don't be caught stuttering and stammering.  I really don't know how they let me into Japan.  I sometimes think Japan is super strict but not so smart.  To get a Japanese visa it asks you to check yes or no to the question "Have you ever been associated with prostitution?" I checked NO of course.  ;)
But they clearly don't google people.  When you google my government name it shows that I am a transsexual prostitute high up on the results.  And some other sex worker art festivals which I can say I was a performer in.  I can bust an R.Kelly and easily say everything on the internet is a lie.  Because I'm definitely not a transsexual.  Whoever wrote that is not hurting me because I can identify as genderqueer even though I'm a cis woman.  I don't mind being called a dude, or being told I am masculine, but because the transsexual prostitute article is high ranked it actually helps me lie about the fact that I'm not a prostitute. :)

Some people just think they can get away with it or pass through undetected without hiding it all just mixed into their luggage, others swallow capsules, body pack it, there are seizures by mail where people have hidden it in a laptop or in false parts of suitcases or briefcases.  This show shows them all and shows them being discovered on camera.  Shows the x-rays where you can see all the capsules in the stomach in the body x-ray!  ALL OF THE GUILTY PEOPLE LIE.  They also show people with false suspiciouns who after thorough inspection turn out to be clean.  It seems pretty realistic to me.  Except, that they are probably making it seem like they catch a lot more people than they actually do.  And then they're caught.  Or these people on camera are caught.  It's effectively got me scared shitless of bringing anything at ALL or working illegally overseas anywhere.  But, I remember that that is the point of these shows.

How do I know if the hand job is from a slave or not?

My hobbyist friend is cheap when it comes to paying for sex like Robert Kraft.  Except there’s about 6.4 billion dollars separating their net worth. I actually introduced him to his first lady, Martha, an older whore who had a lot of mileage, courage and wisdom.  “First Lady, This is John.” “John, meet first lady. You’re welcome.” and years of mutual benefits ensue from continued transactions which ensue after said introduction. Except John gets tired of the same old lady, just like in their marriages.  This is how you avoid trafficked workers, referral only. But that didn’t work

Modern Day Slavery or Suspended
Submission Hold?

for my friend for long and Kraft is no different from most John’s of that caliber. Massage parlor means reasonable prices and variety. $150 is the most they are willing to pay for their orgasms.  And that’s final. Regardless of if they make billions or not. One of the things that I educate clients of cheaper sex workers is that the risk is higher. This is true for you who are working these clients and for clients venturing to see these workers. Willing to take that risk?  Okay, then. Don’t say no one told you. It can be rough out there. The majority of the risk is big stings like this. They happen all the time and are often used for political career stoking. Because street prostitution and trafficking raids on Asian massage venues are considered low hanging fruit.  You don’t like that title? Then don’t get hookers from the streets, or without screening them yourself first OR getting a worker introduction via a friend, unless you knowingly understand that you can land in jail. This goes for high risk low dollar workers the same as clients. This is a fact. It happened to me.  I was the lowest hanging fruit, shouting and screaming defiantly while walking into a trap.

Rich people can be notorious hardline cheapos, hey, that’s how they got to be rich, right?  Take notes! Doing research and paying a little more for a sex work date that is SAFE (for STDs, consensual, and sane) for what you want can actually guarantee an ETHICAL TRADE SEX WORKER.  How do you know if the sim card in your phone is not made with slave labor?  Are you willing to do the detective work to trace the dollar? The same thing is true of your vegetables, your sneakers, your computer parts everything that the United States benefits to buy in quantity.  There are gradation lines for us ethically between one economy member doing continued unequal market trade to the eventual profit and continued mutual benefit of all AND human trafficking sexual or otherwise.  And then there's Domestic Workplace Abuse. Do we want to redirect our dollars away from WalMarts and Amazons? Or is it just unethical working conditions for sex slaves that deserve your support. There are many elements of abuse and coercion that occur in unmeasured statistics the same way sexual assault, drug and sex abuse intersect undetected. People 'work’ for their partners without ever acknowledging abuse, finding all levels of abuse is like finding those directly affected by relationship violence and getting them to talk about it.  If you want to see what sexual conditioning and trafficking of underage girls looks like turn to R Kelly's case not to the Patriots arrest at a massage parlor. R.Kelly is being convicted with a felony that was designed in the 1900s to protect white girls from being abducted and here its being used by a Black Sexual Predator on Black women. This is the perfect use for white slavery laws, not to arrest consenting clients and immigrant workers

So you ready to start seeing the sex worker that gets you off as a human on a human rights level?

1. See if she is conversant on a personal level or if she is non conversant, evasive, nervous. SIGNS OF POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD) falling asleep while giving a massage or counting money, forgetfulness, repeating of phrases or answers for questions (disassociated or sleep deprived), frequent trips to the bathroom or "bathroom." (This could mean that they have certain problems, but not necessarily that they are trafficked)
2. See if they have a personal mobile phone number and can you text her when you want to come in aside from calling the spa, test the number, if it is answered by another worker, then she works for an agency and may not neccesarily be in an abusive and coercive trafficking ring. Many new workers prefer to work for agents with drivers and more capital and experience to get them started and are happy to give over a huge fee to have this taken care of for them. All agencys can be charged with pimping even if it is adult sane and consensual.
3. Do you see bruising or cuts that seem unexplainable or lied about, scars from cutting
4. You can ask to see if he will show you her ID with the information covered, just to verify that she has access to one and it easily is furnished at no risk to her with ease. Propose to do this BEFORE you take your clothes off. Be willing to walk over non compliance.
5. Will he do a screening meetup for $100.  This money goes towards your safety and well being, as well as your checking for management systems and amount of autonomy.  Don’t offer coffee in exchange for this meetup. $100.
6. Can you add them on social media?
7. Does she have her own website (if she does (not just her own ads, her own site) her rate is likely $300+/hr) but is probably 99.9% not  trafficked.

None of these things alone that I just listed together to help hobbyists who have this question, it is not an exhaustive list and its definitely my opinion only.  But i got 6 years of high risk sex work experience and I been in the slammer once. I’ve been in pretty abusive work situations but nothing I would ever call trafficking or pimping.  I was always in power to walk away from anywhere I worked. Even though I didn’t soon enough sometimes.

Karpmans Drama Triangle: Who are the Pimps and Victims?

My deconstruction of this drama does not mean that I am on the

side of R. Kelly but rather, I’m looking at reframing the drama in

a way that helps people see the roles that are so neatly being

played out in this and many of the recent #metoo situations.

 I can absolutely believe that he has taken on stereotypical

abusive Black pimp behaviors which are described in detail in the

documentary “Surviving R Kelly” which resemble documentaries

that have been done on Black pimps who also keep stables of

women using methods of financial, psychological, physical and

sexual abuse to maintain Their dominance.  These stereotypical

behaviors have been documented in pimp documentaries and

may be hard to hear without feeling like I am being racist, but I

believe that these Black men prey on the vulnerabilities of women

in their own communities specifically because they know how to

attract and attach their victims. While I worked as an escort,
I would get baiting calls from Black pimps often enough to know
that the stereotypes were based on truth, not just movies and that
many of the Black escorts I knew also did not see Black clients
and they were not being racist, they were protecting themselves
from pimps.
R Kelly uses the bait and hook of fame and a music industry
career and subsequently grooms these women with several tried
and tested tactics that he has managed to perfect over the years
of being the perpetrator of hard to detect (no obvious bruises and
none of his victims have called the police on him) violence which
are not criminal according to the

courts.  It is difficult to watch Joycelyn’s parents go on a rescuer

crusade to save their 22 year old daughter “on behalf of all the girls

that are trapped in his house” because she is an adult harming

herself even though she is in an abusive relationship. It seems to

be beyond intervention at this point and moved literally into made

for TV drama based on this Karpman's triangle. Joycelyn could be

using drugs or doing sex work with a real pimp the same, individuals

will not change unless they feel ready, willing and able to. I think

about how the word pimp is used as one of the most negative names

that you can call a person if you aren’t using it in a “good slang” way.

It seems to be much like the n word then, I suppose. I recall that

anti-sex work crusaders who are stuck in the rescuer role also become

perpetrators to consensual sex workers that they call “pimps” if they

are working collectively in activism.  Sex workers are the perpetual

victims to the anti-sex work movement as well as the oppressive laws

whose change seems nowhere in sight. They move into survivor and

teacher roles seeking to be proactive about their victimization but the

satisfaction seems to be temporary because new big bad laws are

passed constantly, more sex workers are killed without notice and/or

a major advertising outlet is shut down. It did not take very long for me

to get out of this cycle of activist violence by bowing out of discussions

or “debates” against any anti-prostitution feminists. I was trying to limit

my victimization to the laws, police and potential violent perpetrators, I

certainly didn’t need to be yelled at by traumatized activists taking out

their issues on me. This also happens a lot in the sex worker rights

movement.  There is usually a big or more sublime daily or weekly

occuring incident/s of horizontal violence, sex workers creating some

drama which perpetuates others in their community. The drama triangle

never stops until you decide “Enough is enough.” and want to shift your

lifestyle, perspective and shift your results as a result. It takes work and

sometimes takes a major nervous breakdown. There is withdrawal,

backlash and collateral damage. This is the reason why I left the sex

worker rights movement and haven’t really stepped back into the arena

of activism since then. I had even taken a long break after many years,

went back to a very small gathering in Los Angeles to commemorate

December 17th “A Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers” and I

was heckled off the stage during my performance at that event. I was

now guaranteed to never lift a red umbrella in the same way

ever again after that.  But the way I moved on was to move on and let go.

 I still keep in touch and believe in causes, but I am careful to recognize

the potential of any communities who are caught up in the Drama triangle.

 Once you recognize it, you can see it everywhere. You can never be

immune to any drama, but you can deflect it by not retaliating, not doing

the knee jerk reaction, not Tweeting your first response.  I can’t even get

too involved on Twitter because it has too much Karpmann Drama on it.

Sex, Drugs and STDs

3 weeks ago “Surviving R Kelly” came out revealing

what many people have known for years: R Kelly

is a serial abuser and child molestor.  I could put

“alleged” but if we put that in front of his allegations,

it means that we have to go with the criminal prosecution

route of guilty until charged.  I think with social media

movements and women being fearless enough to go on

mic and camera to make their experiences real, we are

going to see more of #muteRKelly having an effect that the

criminal justice system seems to not have.  R Kelly’s lawyer

is doing interviews telling the media “there is no crime” and

that it’s just “she said versus he said” stories.  His lawyer is

a slimebag.  Not anymore than the slimebag that he is the

mouthpiece for by no obvious means. I don’t agree that we

should take a victim or survivor’s story at face value either

because PTSD can make you do crazy things.  It can feel

like a temporary insanity if you aren’t able to manage it well

and many people can’t .   I don’t know if “These women are

just looking for 15 minutes of fame” he says, as if speaking

your survivor story, despite the fact that it might get you on

a grammy award stage with Lady Gaga playing a white piano,

i don’t think any survivor actually thinks of themselves as famous

for speaking out.  Lady Gaga herself is an interesting example

of how survivors can flip flop their perspectives from the

seemingly willing to the seemingly against.  People change in

the public eye, especially performers and entertainers.  First

Gaga is dancing with R.Kelly singing “do what you want with

my body” and then she realizes that she has to speak out

against his violence and mute him with the rest of the

movement.  How could this be? As a survivor, I can totally

understand the flip flop.  But that’s what being famous looks like,

not telling your sexual or physical abuse story on TV.  I’ve told

my story many times on documentaries and news and people

actually just see you as a random face, not a

celebrity.  Sometimes they even see as a tramp, a liar, a gold

digger or whatever worse name they can muster.  I doubt they

even recognize you unless the person who calls you out the

street is some kind of stalker anyway.  “Hey, hey, I saw you on

the stage in the background for 3 seconds in that song with

Lady Gaga.”  I think the most courageous survivor story, that

most people will remember however, a real celebrity in my

opinion far more memorable than Gaga is Christine Blasey

Ford. It’s funny how the R Kelly scandal has so much of the

same language that is used against sex workers. “Sex, girls

and STDs” one of these videos says purporting that giving the

women he’s had relationships with herpes is part of the crime

that makes his physical abuse even more egregious.  It’s not

helpful that this preposterous propaganda about herpes is

being spread at the sake of “saving victims”  

“R Kelly is a pimp, but his only client is himself.”  says the

father of Joycelyn Savage, who left her college dorm room

clean and moved into the harem of R.Kelly.  She was 19 when

she left and she is 22 now appearing on TMZ as “fine and not

abused.”  It’s a lot like an episode of Atlanta housewives, the

mother is throwing up in the toilet and hysterical in the BBC

interviews, and the parents are on countless talk shows

chronicling their search for their daughter who is being locked

up R.Kelly’s house.  Everyone seems to be stuck in Karpmans

victim triangle.  R.Kelly is the persecutor, the former

girlfriends/wives and the parents of the ones currently in

relationship with Kelly are the rescuers for the victims who

are in the house of abuse of R.Kelly and its indeed made a

made for TV screen drama.